Hi guys, How are ya? It’s been a while, right? Gosh, it’s been a while since I checked in and unleashed my crazy little thoughts on the internet. Somewhat interestingly (to me) I’m doing pretty good not relying on a blog or confessional to sort everything out and that’s a good thing. (Ok, Martha Stewart reference for the day.)
And that’s a bad thing, in terms of having something to write about. It’s odd and weird and now i’m kind of rambling… but i’ve detached from having this blog, but i want to keep going with it. Why? I’m not sure anymore. I started to blog when I came out to myself and to Bex, my wife. Blogging became my crutch, my go to friend when I was navigating the difficulties of being bisexual, immature and losing it. I got inspired to lose lots of weight and I watched myself gain it back after my hopes for a fuck buddy were dashed.
I think that I have too much history to let go. It’s like having an old friend, who has seen your worst and has helped you when you needed it most.
Now of course, I’m in a much better place and things are going relatively smooth. I don’t need that friend and can rely on my own internal roadmap towards happiness. That’s a good thing, yes it is… I think that I feel some guilt, because I no longer need to blog and I think giving it up would be sad in some way.
I was a 21-24 something guy who lamented getting married, who wanted a way to work a man into his sex life. A guy who had the hardest time functioning at times because he couldn’t see past divorce or ending it all. I lied to myself, to her, I behaved inappropriately and concealed a lot of things, from her and myself.
Now, I’m 26. (Still look like I’m 17 sometimes) ((no facial hair, I have a hard time with that.)) I moved to Portland and I’ve moved on. I got better at dealing with my emotional issues. I’ve learned to treasure my marriage and my wife who’s been through the wringer with me. I’m one lucky S.O.B. and i’m trying to learn from my mistakes. I’m in a better place.
I ran into one of my old internet friends from years ago. We hadn’t chatted in years. (I lost contact with him after a night where I said too much, cause I had drank too much.) Anyways, we caught each other up, chit chatted about this and that. “You used to be very flirty and now you’re so stiff and formal!” He said. He was right, that’s when I realized that I had left that part of me behind. No more flirting with strange men, no more showing cropped shots of this or that. No serious eye fucking of the HotGuyAtWork, whom I miss staring at.
I changed. I’m not sure what changed, but I did. It makes me sad/glad because I liked that flirty, bastardy me. (AND SUDDENLY I feel like I’m talking to a therapist, like you should be asking me “And how do you feel about that?”)
So I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m in an awkward state of happiness right now. Things are good and going good. I’m still guy crazy, stir crazy and crazazy in general. I’m like kinda sorta getting to the point where I’m breaking it to myself easily that I’ll never have my cake and eat it too. Now I’m just trying to enjoy what I have and what I have is wonderful.
Sooooeeerrr… This move is kind of a fresh start. I’m not stuck in this emotional loop of crazy, not dying from not having that hot guy next door. Not working towards a hot back seat tryst… but working towards wholeness, hunkness. Working toward doing something good for myself, doing something worthwhile and pretty. Yes, I wanna do something pretty. ;)
We’ll see, I don’t know what this means… but we’ll see.