It’s rather unfortunate how dependent I’ve become on this narrative voice that i have when writing for this blog. In many ways, it’s my most dominant, honest expression. It’s unfortunate because I need to talk to myself right now, privately and I can’t do it, alone. I just can’t blog to myself sitting on the couch and sort out my thoughts.

I’ve become highly embarrassed with sharing my turbulent low lows. To be this person who’s always having a big dramatic meltdown, is highly embarrassing aside from physically and mentally exhausting. I always knew people who made their relationship the center of their world, and when the relationship tumbled and broke, their entire world would shake. So smugly I would say, “that would never be me.” That I would always be in control and always have the judgment and intellect to step back and sort things out.

I guess I’m writing because I’d like to tell myself that I’ll be just fine and that when I go to sleep and wake up, I’ll get a fresh chance to undo/redo all that I’ve done. That tomorrow will be a new day, same problems, but a new chance to tackle them. I need to be assured that the world won’t continue to shake while I sleep.

We got to the brink this last time. It was all going to end and it hurt, so very badly. One of our famous arguments/cry fests. The one’s where we both say the same things and we still stand on separate pages. She’s alone, I’m alone, we both feel lonely. We both are eating our feelings, we both madly want it to work out. She calls me a monster, she feels like a monster. I feel like a monster. We both bond over how much pain we’re both in. We both try and commit to try, over and over and over again.

She looked into divorce laws in NC. I didn’t know whether to stop her or not. I already knew the information that she was looking for. We both step off of the ledge and try again to see it in a different light.

I’m so terribly lost. I enjoy, so very much the other aspects of my life, where i’m certain about what I want and how to get it. I’m a variable success machine in many many aspects of everything outside of this marriage. I don’t know where to go or what to do at this point. The clock is ticking. Do I leave my job? Do I even move? Do we go to counseling once we get there? Why can’t I just be straight, or gay? Why can’t I just not want what I want? Sometimes I don’t know if to pray for the strength to stay or for my heart to fall out of love. I don’t know how to reconcile all the parts of me into one cohesive package.

Oh Bobby, go to sleep and pick yourself up in the morning. Grab what you know to be true about yourself and move forward with that. You’ll be ok, no matter what. It’s not as horrible as it feels.

I’ll be fine, just having a wonderfully difficult time right now. I’ve been through worse and I just need to find a direction to walk towards.

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