Well, maybe I am. Bonjour, I just woke up and I’m a bit groggy, hopefully I can stumble through this without sounding like a complete madman. Having some coffee, so that should help.
Howdy! I think I’m getting back into some sort of shape, it feels like my body is getting prepared to shed some pounds and my mind is helping sync it up. I’ve been thinking about hiring a personal trainer, but being so close to moving, I don’t know if it’s a wise move financially speaking. Life is going good for me personally, as of late I’ve just been having to balance between preventing boredom and managing my daydreams.
So you know like I’ve recently had some minor issues with my wife. She kind of came out to me as having had feelings for her supervisor, feelings of which have been reciprocated. We had a conversation about it and left it at that, she disclosed it, I acknowledged that it was there and let her continue on her way without causing her any grief.
I was upset, momentarily because she had kept it from me, but no harm no foul right? So spent the last four days feeling as if I had something stuck in my teeth, metaphorically speaking. There was this question that lingered in my mind, so as soon as I had the courage to ask it, I did. The night before last, after having had a wonderful date with the wife, I asked her for a chat, while I showered.
Don’t know if that has any meaning to it, everything has a meaning to it, right? So I asked as kindly as I could, “Do you two flirt together?” It’s a logical question, I know that they communicate together, they email back and forth, they instant chat and text message. She has feelings for him, he for her… so it wasn’t too far fetched to think that they would be speaking together in a flirtatious manner.
"Yes, of course we do." was her reply. So my suspicions were correct. Hooray, I win what’s behind door number 2. I assured her I wasn’t upset, I had figured that they were flirting, I just needed to know concretely that I was correct in my assumptions. We talked, I reassured her, she apologized. Then another question was born out of my understanding, I said "I just want to know, that this thing with him… was something that even if you didn’t have issues with my being bisexual, and us having problems… that it’s something that would have bloomed anyways."
"yes." I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was a yes. As I had thought as well, this isn’t a call for attention or affection because of our internal relationship issues… this is it’s own entity.
They say that variety is the spice of life, things are sure getting spicy around here. I’m not exactly sure how to feel about this right now, since it’s so new. Part of me isn’t so worried, after all… we’re communicating about it.
We talked about it further, after my shower. She said something along the lines of “I hope that if you ever have something similar to me, that I can be as cool calm and collected as you.” Meaning… if I ever had a flirtatious relationship with a guy, or girl. This hit me in all the wrong ways. This sunk my battleship.
"I don’t think I’m capable of having such a relationship like that with someone real, It just wouldn’t fare too well for me emotionally." I responded. She didn’t understand. I explained further that I once used to flirt with random men on the internet, at that in itself was nice, but to have an actual person, in flesh and blood flirt back with me… I know it would be catastrophic for my mental state. Why? Because I know that there is a big line that I’m "not supposed to" cross. For me, it seems that there is much more than "just having fun", and involving myself with someone that I can’t have… just isn’t going to be good at all. IF Hotguyatwork started to flirt back and was interested, I’d have to call my wife and tell her to hide the booze, hide the knives, hide the power cords!
The conversation got too heavy for the both of us. She ended it and I was left feeling like crap and alone. No reassurance, no commitment from her to try to understand. IT SUCKED BALLS.
Went to sleep kind of bitter, and now all i want to do is work out. It’s funny in a depressing sort of way, wifey starts to feel feelings for someone else and gains no understanding to how I feel as a person.