Just a couple of thoughts that need organizing. The hot guy at work drives me insane. Well, I drive myself insane over him. This isn’t pretty to say, but I’ve zeroed in on how he smells. It’s so absurd, really. I work in a pretty big facility with maybe 12 or so other guys, it’s pretty open air but lucky me could spot him within 20 feet away. It’s so ridiculous and I hate myself for realizing it. He dips tobacco (which is pretty gross (no offense)) it’s got this odd wintergreen type smell, he also has this “fresh/musty” kind of smell that drives me bonkers. Either the way he smells is really potent, or I’ve just zeroed in on it. It’s creepy and annoying and I hate myself.

I’ll be standing somewhere doing my own thing and smell it, surprise he turns a corner. I walk into the bathroom and I know he’s in there before I see him. It’s fucking with my senses now, haha and I never really ever had a good sense of smell. It’s intoxicating and infuriating. I’m afraid I’ll be like that cartoon cat that drifts into the smell, guiding it, floating it through the air towards whatever’s emitting it.

So some of you guys have known me for a while now. I did start writing back when I was 21 and now I’m turning 26 this year. OMG. There have been times that some of you have theorized that I was maniac depressive, something that I have pondered myself. While i haven’t been diagnosed with mania… I’m starting to feel like I do have some sort of something. I do get depressive at times, the last couple of months though I’ve been really good at not letting myself get like I once did.

Suicide is no longer on the horizon, it once was but fortunately I’ve learned better ways of managing then going to that dark place. The more and more I think about the patterns I get into, the more I start to question how my mind works or doesn’t. Ever since I can remember, I’ve obsessed. Lately it’s been about men, my co-worker. When I first met my wife, I hardcore obsessed over her; so much so that I nearly convinced myself that I was straight. I’ll obsess over something until i get it.

Or until I put myself into a world of pain for not being able to get it. Maybe that’s why I’m going crazy over men? I don’t know, and I really should have tested the waters prior to getting involved as I did. Shoulda woulda coulda right? So like, I theorize that maybe if I was to get down and dirty with a guy, that it would just be an experience. One hell of an experience, but it wouldn’t change anything.

For some guys that I know, being with a guy changed everything. They were like, “oh, this is it!” My gut feeling tells me that it probably won’t change anything for me. I’m crazazy right. I’m contemplating going back to therapy, try to rehash everything again and this time, work on understanding the way my mind works/doesn’t.

Cause, as much as i fawn over men. As much as i would love to get down and dirty with one and find me a fuckbuddy…. I don’t think it’ll produce the result that I want. Sure, orgasms, pillow biting and such… but will it balance me out? I just want to be balanced out, find that harmony inside. This isn’t how your 20’s is supposed to feel right?

Gosh, haha. Now if you’ll excuse me… i’m going to sip some coffee, work out and probably look for some porn on tumblr. Spank ya later.