The dream (part 1)

So if you might recall, about a week ago I posted this little graphic that I drew on the ipad of a guy pulling up his bi themed shirt. Well thanks to the fun bunch on tumblr, it got a lot of love and reblogs which was totally awesome. It was art inspired by a dream, or fantasy because technically I wasn’t sleeping… but it too, inspired a dream that I did have while I was sleeping, afterward. That is worded all sorts of confusing. There’s two things that go into that specific piece of “art.” This is Part 1.

There’s that quote, “If you can dream it, you can do it.”- Walt Disney. I can personally attest that this attitude/quote/notion can be possible. If you can imagine something and want it bad enough, you can position yourself to go further towards this imagined goal. The enormous success I’ve had in the past with losing weight, making friends, succeeding in the work place was with this notion in mind. Although…

I had a very wild imagined fantasy when I first came out. I was going to be a hunky bisexual married guy who would be everyone’s sexual beast. Eventually I’d get a boyfriend, whom my wife would be ok with. I would go clubbing, go to the gym, be like everyone else on grindr except at the end of the night, I went home to my hot wife. I would be the center of love AND attention of both a guy and a girl! Oh and Ryan Reynolds would be eating his heart out at my six pack abs.

It got me to shed tons of weight, but that was about it. I wasn’t being realistic about who I was as a person (shy, introverted) or what my wife was ok with. Also, that relationships have flexibility to them, but this was asking for a reach-around when I hadn’t even started the foreplay. I needed to refine my definition or version number of my fantasies.

This last year I said “enough with the fantasies.” Let’s just try living. It didn’t fare too well for me. Out went the goals, the drive and lust to achieve the movement towards that lustrous fantasy. Maybe my mind runs better on little movies I make up in my head? Before my dreams were too out of reach, they truly were just fantasy and it was painful to know that they could not be true.

Maybe this is why life has been so painful. I’ll have to drink about that later. No, no this is good therapy enough.

Any who… I’m putting a new dream and fantasy into play. I’ve already taken it out of it’s shiny plastic. To get me to where I want to go, I will employ the only tool that I’ve ever had work. Here it is:

Like the man in the picture, I dream about having a hot bod. I want it, I want to feel it, because I’ll know how to use it. I’ll become more comfortable with myself, I’m queer, I’m not gay. I’m married, still, but I can have my fun being myself. Maybe I won’t be slutty outside my marriage, but maybe I’ll be slutty all by myself. (Cause you know, it’s important to be a little tramp sometimes.) This guy honors his body, his love for himself, his sexuality, his love for life and his wife. He’s fun and sexy and I can be this man.

Maybe it’s not the wisest thing to do, to deal outside of what is real. This blog is called “reality*” so maybe I should stick with what’s true now. I will however, if possible, go with what I feel will work and try to stay grounded at the same time.

We will see… ;)

B