perpetual conflict

I’m moving across the country this upcoming august, 8 months give or take. I haven’t told my immediate family who are local to where I’m at. I’ve not even told my employer either. Don’t know when I will tell them. It’s not the smartest of moves.

I know why I’m moving and what motivation I have to move. North Carolina never worked out for the both of us. We moved here when we first got together, we got married while living here. I like it here, it’s a little boring but that’s not everything. Still I’m motivated to move for reasons that seem silly. My wife never liked it here, it never worked out for us because it didn’t work for both of us. I waited for her to flourish in our life together and for some reason or another, it never really happened. She’s always been a fish out of water here.

Portland Oregon excites me, don’t get me wrong. Being in the city, using the public transportation and being in an area that was so liberal really appealed to me. Maybe for all the wrong reasons. One of the things that really won me over was a personal ad in the newspaper advertising “Adult Manscaping- For men by men.” I’d also like to move to an area where I have absolutely no history and I won’t run into anyone who knows me or my parents, (because in small town Asheville I get it often.)

I’m afraid though. I won’t have a job immediately, which is ok because I have some money saved up. It’ll be a move across the country, far away from my family (which I don’t exactly get along with anyways.) My biggest fear is finding myself on the other side of a divorce and being so far away from my family. Not that i’d want to rely on them whatsoever if that happened. I speculate too much.

Getting divorced though, that I know for sure is number one on my list of fears. Things are going good right now, but there is so much sometimes that I get the impression that what my wife and I have isn’t meant to last. Because I’m waiting for her to flourish and ‘thus far’ haven’t seen it and it’s been 6 or so years,  my hope is dwindling. What if this is who she is? Will she ever let me go out and be queer? How and when will we ever address the real issues in honesty?

Moving with a bunch of questions and problems. I’d like to think that I’m smarter than thinking that moving will help resolve my concerns. A geographical cure- it may not be, It probably won’t.

Found this on the internet this week. It’s a letter from Amelia Earhart to her fiance about her vision of marriage. I was floored by the simplicity and love of her words, I almost wanted to cry after reading it. Then I manned up and saved it for myself. ;) I may print it out later.

Blah you guys, I get tired of this crap, I’m so sorry lol! I’m a complicated bear.