- Setting- A LONG TIME AGO when I came out to a female coworker.
- Her: Bobby, you're bi?! Out of all the guys we work with, i thought you were the straightest.
- Me: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha
- *girl who you trying to flatter*
So before you forget because you have tons of useless ideas in your head all the time: write out that porn script/scifi movie idea you had. The robot/alien thing that can shape shift and it does so to sleep with everyone on the ship, shifting from male to female as necessary. Don’t forget! Call it something like, project Cody or something. Something with a name that is ambiguous. NOT Ashley or Kerry.
with headlines that don’t particularly match the content of the post. :)
I have felt so so damn off the last couple of weeks. I don’t know how to describe it without sounding whiny. Tired, exhausted, sleepy most of the time, feeling heavy or bloated, my hair has been bad. MY HAIR HAS BEEN BAD. thats def the worst thing, having bad hair days. It’s the night shifts and constantly shifting from days to nights.
I kinda opened up to the wifey yesterday and admitted it. I don’t like working nights anymore. 80% of my job history required working at jobs that require str8 night time work, or switching every couple of weeks. I just don’t want to do it anymore, I’m kind of done. It’s prob not true, but i think my body is paying the price for having a schedule that’s not matched to the day/night rhythm. After going to the gym for several months and eating moderately ok, i’ve lost no weight and dare i say, gained more? Something feels wrong and i’m thinking of going to the doctors because it’s not making sense to me. My work is physical, i go to the gym often, more when i work just on day shift. I try hard not to eat like a pig. More proteins, less sugar, etc etc.
Granted, I don’t eat like a saint, but for how much i’m on my feet, i shouldn’t be this overweight. But eh. I’m working on this, so just venting a little.
The other thing that I opened up a little to my wife is that, along with no longer wanting to work at a job that requires me to be so flexible… is that i don’t like my current job. I crave structure, productivity, general interest in what i’m doing. It’s not happening. The position that i currently hold offers me none of that. It’s a good job, but it breeds laziness. The lack of structure is annoying.
I told her the other day, bc she asked me about how i’m doing in “boyland.” You know, boyland, the place in my head where I keep my thoughts about men, mostly to myself and twitter. I was like, “girl, no offense, but i really really miss being hit on.” and flirting…. god i miss flirting. I said it with much less sass. But it was the truth, i do miss that.
I don’t miss the shame, all the trouble and anguish i caused, but there was something so naughty and sexy about flirting, at least through text and twitter. email.. I’m not going to go back to do that, it’s risky business.
So, there are some things that i need to change in my life or deal with a little better. I feel pretty damn good right now, I just lifted some weights, thought about how hot it would be if my pecs were rock hard and glistening in sweat. Hell yeah *tongue sticking out emojii*
The sun is coming up. I’m in my living room and my day is about to start/end, since i’ll be hitting the sack in a few hours. I’m doing alright, there are just some things that i need to figure out. As one of my twitter buddy says @discopunkk "Cheers!"
Hey Hi Heyyyy
I have things to say, things of very minor importance, sooo. Yeah.
I love my wife, I miss her quite often and we see each other a lot.
The other day I had a hot sex dream involving Amy Schumer, which was out of left field.
Bought a house. So very proud of my self.
Lost a promotion, or rather, didn’t get a job position that was a step up and more $$$, but i’m kinda glad because i do like money, but i don’t like added stress.
I’m just trying to keep it chill, damn.
I miss my parents and my brothers, but mostly my parents.
Space is good though, because I needs me my space from them.
Cause they don’t know i’m Atheist, Bisexual, and the alphabet goes on and on.
It sounds terrible, but i sort of miss misbehaving. Right? I know. I don’t wish for added drama in my life, don’t want none of that. Don’t miss the fighting, the feeling like shit, the self loathing. But i do miss that high of being hit on.
I loves me getting hit on.
I miss hitting on others. Dudes. Ladies too but none of them ever took me seriously. Glad too, cuz what was i going to do if they actually thought i was serious? Oops… I’m married?
oh let’s see what other little thoughts are swirling in my mind.
I’m thinking about rearranging the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m missing out on summer, once again, because somebody here like cake.
Was thinking about it yesterday. I totally need some man dude friends. It would be nice to have a lady friend too. Maybe someone who can be my gay best friend. (I refuse to use that term that ends with “hag”) but I kind of like keeping to myself. Like, I want friends, so i’m not constantly alone, laughing at my own jokes, but i like being by myself, laughing at my own jokes.
Well… i think that having friends would hopefully open myself up to new experiences and that’s what i desperately want, to enjoy, to learn, to do something different. Although, finding friends and keeping people in your life who don’t disappoint are hard to come by.
Me wants to buy a sewing machine. I totally want one but i won’t buy it for myself. Idk why. I can think of a million things to do with one, but i’m getting hung up on a gender stereotype thing. It’s a little mess of a conversation where i’m just like, who gives a fuck, and fuck them if they do. Idk. We will see. I’d love to be able to make my own clothes. Or at least a pillow case or three.
I made a canvas out of two smaller canvases. It’s roughly 3’ x 4’ and it hangs over our dinning table. I feel like such genius bc i nailed the frames together and bought canvas to stretch over it. I saved at least 50 bucks. Oh and i fixed the leaking toilets and successfully avoided poison ivy yesterday while pulling weeds.
I’m enjoying the good life and i’m wondering if i’m not trying to sabotage it, or if i miss in some fucked up way, being depressed. I want to say that i don’t miss it, and i don’t believe that i do, it’s just this weird uncomfortable feeling of missing, something. Part of me thinks i miss the rush of testosterone that i got from thinking about dude bros.
I don’t think about guys as often and i don’t flirt with any. I don’t really get off from guy porn as much. It bores me almost as much as straight porn does. Then again, there are some nights… ;)
I have this really weird out of left field fear that my blog will become fodder for some ex-gay, self loathing dude. It’s really odd. Cause I’m not those things, so why do i have that thought? Idk.
I feel like a very accomplished young man. I feel proud of being where i am today, personally, financially, professionally, so on and so forth. I feel good about myself, but i think that i feel from time to time, some guilt. Not guilt and maybe i’m just being a bleeding heart, but I feel bad that I’ve been able to sky rocket, so to speak in my successes. I consider myself very lucky, although i don’t believe in “luck” per-say. I feel fortunate and even though i don’t particularly like the word, blessed. It’s a small bit of anxiety, because I constantly keep winning at this game of life.
So i’m going to go make myself a nice tall cup of coffee. It’s my Saturday morning and im off to tweet and relax. See ya!
Today is my birthday and let me tell you that I am over the top excited to be celebrating today. I normally don’t celebrate, I generally regard it as “just another day.” But for some odd reason this year has got me feeling so special and so happy to be clicking a number up. Yay!
I woke up today to find yet another bi activist bemoaning Dan Savage on my twitter timeline. Now while I do appreciate the work that he has done for the LGBT community and sexual people everywhere, I have a bone to pick with him about what he says about bisexuals. Not to rehash countless articles bitching about what he’s said, it all boils down to: If you want to stop bi erasure, get out of the damn closet. Don’t bitch about bi erasure if you’re still “in the closet.” That’s paraphrasing it, but it’s the gist of what his stance is in regards to bisexuals adding to the problem.
While I understand what he’s saying, it seems to me that whenever the B word comes out of his mouth, it’s followed by a great degree of attitude. Maybe this is just the way he writes. Like I said Dan, I DO appreciate all the good that you have done for the LGBT community. It DOES get better.
So, after reading all the tweets and complaining some myself (both in my head and on twitter) I was suddenly inspired to write this article to challenge myself and the notion that Dan Savage is wrong.
If I came out- by Bobby Derrekson.
The most important person in my life knows that I am bisexual. My wife. I came out to her shortly after we got married. I have remained faithful to her and have vowed to do so AND have vowed to always be true to myself.
My brother knows. I sent a letter to my mother where I came out, but she never received it. He did however and during one of the few occasions that him and i made time for each other, he confessed to having known and professed his undying love and support for me.
I don’t know if my youngest brother knows. Him and I haven’t talked in years.
My father thinks two men are icky. If i came out to him I think the fledgling of a relationship that we have would totally get weird. It’s weird enough as it is. It took perhaps 25 or so years for me to realize that under the boringly nice exterior, that he has a personality. WHICH WAS NEWS TO ME, because my dad never let anyone in. I think that ultimately he would say that he loved me, but our short little awkward talks that we have today would dwindle.
My Sister In Law knows. I opened up to her one night in Las Vegas, after we were talking about relationships. She is a lesbian and I felt it safe to do so. It was super scary because I was afraid that it would mess things up between her, my wife and myself. Fortunately it didn’t.
If I came out to my mother, idk what would happen. She always said ever so lovingly “if you are gay, that’s ok, i will still love you.” much to my dismay. I hated it when she said it, although now i understand the love behind her words. She’s become pro-gay somewhat. I don’t think she fully understands, but she’s taken a stance on gay people being ok. My brother confessed to me that my mom had said many times that, “you can be gay or you can be straight but you cant be both. You have to pick.” Obviously i wasn’t present when that was said or i would have had a word or two with my ma. SO IDK what would happen if I came out to her. My marriage to my wife already perplexes her because I didn’t follow the traditional steps that she’s used to seeing happen in a “regular” marriage. Ultimately she would come around, I would hope. But it would invite some questions that I would much rather not be asked.
Speaking of which: My Other Sister In Law. If I came out to her it would be a nightmare. A NIGHTMARE. She’s pro gay, which is great. BUT… she’s soo nosey. She leaves no stone unturned and i’m quite frankly surprised that she hasn’t found this page already. Her aggressive nature, the fact that she doesn’t get hints when you are hinting that she’s making you uncomfortable, combined with her need to know everything- makes her the biggest red flag around. I know for sure that she would present a HUGE problem. People like here is the main reason I don’t openly proclaim my bisexuality from the rooftop. She doesn’t mean any harm (from what we can tell) but her endless questioning would be a total violation of our privacy and I don’t know where that would put us. DANGER DANGER will roBInson.
If I came out to my coworkers, it would present some problems for me. Mind you… i don’t enjoy “passing” as straight so please don’t give me that crap of the heterosexual privilege of passing. Growing up soo many people thought that I was gay that i now find it hilarious for people to think i’m straight. But people see that I’m married to a woman, a hot woman at that, so I “pass.” BARF. Everywhere I’ve gone to work, I become some how or another, the butt of a gay joke. Now I don’t know if it’s because they are coping with how “out of the box” i am compared to typical guys or because str8 guys find gay jokes to be sooo damn funny. Either way, I attract gay- jokes. If I came out at work, i think two things would happen. #1 the jokes would stop. For this i would be glad, but #2 things would get awkward. I’m weird enough as it is. Most of the time I don’t get their jokes. Personally i feel that it’s none of their business. I am who i am and i don’t say contrary to that. If an opportunity arises where bisexuality enters the topic at work, you best believe that I won’t stay quiet.
Apart from a few other friends who know that I am a bisexual man, I have no one else in my life. My social circle is small and I still don’t feel comfortable telling everyone that I’m bisexual. I am not ashamed, I advocate for LGBT people all the time. I am not shy to let people know that I love gay people and I go to gay venues. Shit my mom even knows that my wife and I frequented “scandals” the gay club back in my hometown. I do not change who i am for people. I don’t let many people in, but that isn’t lying by omission. When the time is right and if I believe that you will be who I need, then you will know. Some of the people in my life will never know and I won’t feel bad about it.
So if I came out, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. It wouldn’t be a terrible thing. I would live and prosper. I don’t think that it would change anyone’s opinion of bisexuals, bi men especially. It won’t change articles written by the top media outlets where it has changed the words “bisexual / gay men to just “gay men.”” It won’t keep mouth breathers from saying “if you with a dude then you gay. No such thing as bi, you gay.”
Until the day that I stop turning a year older, I will always advocate for LGBT people, especially the B people. I will advocate, I will be true to myself and I will contribute in my own way.
P.S. Sorry about the typos and misspellings. I’m in a rush to write, shower and get out of the house cuz ITSMABIRFDAY and homeboy is going to get some cheescake with the wifey.
Bonjour my friends! Hola! How are you doing? I’ve been feeling a little guilty for some time now. It’s been forever since i popped up here with anything to say. I’ll stare at the dashboard, wanting to go in any direction but nothing had been cumming out. writers cock-block.
My birthday is in a few days, I will be turning 27. A few years ago, I wondered if i would even make it to 27, or if perhaps, i’d poetically reach that age only to die like the other “artists” who are part of the 27 club. You know, the ones that die at that age. Well, I’m looking forward to growing another year wiser and i’m really counting on not dying this year. LOL. Things are moving forward in my personal life and i’d like to see where this adventure of a life takes me.
The wife and I have had less sex this year than any other year (I think.) Things are great between us, it’s just life and scheduling. If we had it our way, it’d be a three times a week deal. Damn life. But things are good and each time that we do have sex, it’s a more deeper, satisfying experience. It makes all the other sex that we have had (at least from my point of view) pale in comparison.
Life is good. It is astounding and I sound like a broken record, but it’s amazing to feel so balanced when a few years ago I was so. not. balanced.
So dudes. Oh hot hot dudes. OMG. Blushing like a school girl. I’m still so into dudes. Not like I used to be. Not with the uncontrollable desire and subsequent despair that i used to have. It’s not like that, any more. Thankfully. But, butts. I still… lose my shit for dudes. The hot ones, the nice ones, the nice hot ones. Well… I wouldn’t say, lose my shit, just deeply admire them, from afar.
Interestingly enough, I don’t find myself as attracted as I was to EVERY guy, like before. I’m picker nowadays and I tend to like personality more than looks. Abs are boring most of the time. I’m looking for some meat. Personality I mean. I transitioned from thinking, “i’d love to blow you then eventually move in and we can be husbands, to, I’d love to cuddle and then like, we can lust over my wife and then like, hang out sometime?” If my subconscious could talk. It would just be bi porn probably.
I would love to have a friend. A guy friend. A dude who is totally not into the whole “bro up” lets play like we don’t have feelings-thing. I have feelings, I don’t like expressing them sometimes, out loud, but I have them.
So yeah, part of me still wishes that I could have my cake and eat it to. That part never really went away, but what i will say is that the degree that this “wish” affected my emotions, has lessened. For my sake, it was a good thing. It seems like a fanciful notion too, because I know myself and I’m so shy and complicated that it would take another one of me to give me what I want.
I’m kind of free thinking at this point. I was attempting to shape this post in a certain manner, but now it’s just a free for all.
I’m kind of proud of myself. Kind of humble braggy, but I’m proud to have pulled myself, saved myself from myself. I think about this often because it makes me feel smart and capable of almost anything.
My wife suffers from depression, she has since we have known each other. (Not to go any further into it, I have asked her a million and a half times, if it’s because of me, because i’m bi, because I don’t give her what she needs) and each and every time she assure me that it’s not, me. I think for her it’s an existential crisis. Why is she her? Why can’t she be happy. My mom suffers from depression, my whole entire life. My father, I’m sure that he’s got something. Nearly everyone i know suffers in some manner or another.
It’s something that I’ve come to accept, this is the price of being alive, having hearts, having wonderfully complicated brains. Having all these things that are capable of bringing light, happiness, sadness and darkness all at once. It’s fascinating, saddening and life affirming when you see someone pick themselves up and move forward. Life as I’ve learned is amazing and I’m eternally grateful to be alive to experience it.
I don’t know how i have become so lucky, to not only be an active participant in my life, but to be able to watch so many lives unfold. Lucky, in the sense, that life makes sense to me. Life is chaos, yes, but the chaos has a pattern to it. I’m becoming a little abstract so let me bring it back in.
Life is good. Summer is coming and with it, a new season of possibility. My plans for the next few months:
Keep working on getting into shape. I want to fit into my too hot to trot clothes, (again) and maybe get homeboy some new threads. I miss shopping :(
I want to grind my way up at work. Do some sexy moves that make me look so fucking fantastic. Just… muscle my way into getting excited about my job. Cuz right now i’m a little bored and that is a big no-no for me. I need to be engaged and enthralled.
I’m getting a place of my own. A place of our own. Real estate. So goal for these next few months… balance that shit. I’m anxious about the financial aspect of home ownership… I need to balance it out and be on top.
I would like to birth, something creative. I’m DYING to put something out into the universe. Something of substance, something creative, something life changing. So i’m not sure what that is. I need to discover it first.
Oh and I would like to drink more water and cook more. And listen to less crap pop music. If i must listen to pop music, it should be of higher quality (if that’s even possible.)
So, ta-ta for tonight!